i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
