Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
