haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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