she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
