i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Acid is not a monday night drug
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
