she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
