I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
