I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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