I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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