I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Holy sore nipples Batman
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
