You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
