you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
