my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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