dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
