you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
