Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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