Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
