I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
