Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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