Your face is a jimmy john
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
