my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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