2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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