erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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