I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Enjoy the penises
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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