I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
