I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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