I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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