if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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