i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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