Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
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Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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