So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
