just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
