Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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