If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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