If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
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