my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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