Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
