I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
