my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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