between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
