Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
