I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
