Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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