Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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