I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
