Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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