She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?