listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.