happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
