Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
