His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
