you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
