Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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