My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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