Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!