Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
