FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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