What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
