you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
