Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
