I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I could make wine with my vomit
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
