Don't you send me to vm
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
